she arrived about a week ago and will be leaving by the end of this week, so i haven't been able to work on my story and i haven't been able to update my social life. i'm actually just stealing a few moments while inside the coffee shop. whee!!!
hope to see you online friends in a while or so... will miss you.
p.s. thanks for the surprise mom! ^^,
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"blood is thicker than water"
- Location:starbucks
- Mood:
jubilant - Music:love story by taylor swift
why in the world am i faced with a writer's block... to add to this i have exams on friday and monday... boo!!! this is nothing but plain crap. why in the world am i soooooooo buuuuuusssssyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!?!
okay... enough rants...
*goes on to try and finish the rest of chapter 4 and thinking of a nice inspiration for chapter 3*
i think this is a byproduct of my lack of swimming... i've been too busy i haven't taken time off to swim freely in the water and just let go... fine... conclusion:
swim this coming sunday just to let some steam off.
problem solved. hopefully.
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"give me the boundlessness of water, and i will take you anywhere"
- Location:electrical and electronics engineering institute quiet zone
- Mood:
confused - Music:Obsessed by Mariah Carey
So basically, i've just finished the second chapter of my book, and needed to see how it will go... i'm on the first quarter of my third chapter... and i hope it will turn out nicely...
i don't really want to spoil the story yet and give out a summary (i am kinda bad at making subtle summaries - grr!)
so here is my prologue (yeah, i've finally decided to make the prologue release first, but i might end up releasing the epilogue of the first book next instead of the chapters of the first book)
basically it is entitled mirrors (i hope you'll get to know why it's the title after i release the first half of the chapters of the first book).
it has three books: reflections, illusions, and light.
so that;s about all i want to say, because i fear i'll spoil the story... i've uploaded the pdf form of the first few pages i've made, (i deleted the parts after that, it's basically one file made in a book format -- yes, the page size is A5)
Bah... look at me babble... anyway, here's the link that you can download it from. :)
http://www.zshare.net/download/642884948
i uploaded it again, so if you can't download it, pm me... ^^,
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"if seeing is believing, then would you need a mirror to believe in yourself?"
- Location:internet cafe
- Mood: chipper
- Music:nothing
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
joraiz91 , finally decided to make an LJ account... and i hope those of you who actually think i'm a decent person to have as a friend would add her... (haha... i only have a few contacts around in LJ... i hope i can make my community a little bit wider...)oohh boy... now she can watch over every little single post i can upload to the net.
^^,
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"no freedom is absolute."
- Location:electrical and electronics enginerring institute quiet zone
- Mood:
bouncy - Music:the noise of the people discussing a problem set
then again, i am also thinking of making it anthropomorphic... i actually want to find an interested artist who wants to make a few sketches of it if ever i do... hmm... should i really post it one chapter at a time or should i finish off the entire thing. perhaps posting the summary and the prologue when i'm half-way done...
a lot of people don't like reading things in part... waaah... i'm confused... and my girlfriend isn't helping much in proofreading my story... heeelp... :)
haha... oh well.
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"the problem with thinking is thinking in itself."
- Location:internet cafe
- Mood:
blank - Music:i've never been to me (by charlene)
anyway... i need a friggin inspiration for my work... hm... i have the first chapter down at about 30 percent... but i think i need to get my epilogue up first... i'm confused... i got two basic story lines up and about in my head... but i can't really mix them up. plus there's this thing about reading too much furry stories and comics... should i probably change my characters into animals? hmm...
too many things taking up the ram (computer jargon, not the animal) of my mind... haha. crappy... need to fix this soon... i want to finish this story no matter what... :)
darn... i'm procrastinating aren't i... hmm... okay... need inspiration... need inspiration!!!
GIMME INSPIRATION...
okay... enough procrastinating. back to my story.
and a little studying too. :)
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"it is not in having what we want but instead in wanting what we have that we find our greatest joy."
- Location:internet cafe
- Mood:
anxious - Music:annoying television advertisements
*sigh*
why does this feel so wrong yet so right at the same time... X_x
oh well... i have about 10 minutes of my 20 minute allowance left... and i have to make full use of it... my girlfriends isn't even scolding my for not studying. boo her! (but that doesn't mean i'm mad at her or anything... haha -- i think i just need a little more prodding so i can go back to studying)
either way... 8 minutes left... i'm posting this now and i had better get back to studying... X_x
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"never put off for tomorrow what you can do today."
- Location:college of engineering library ii
- Mood:
bored - Music:silence
right now, there is thin inexplicable feeling of joy and uneasiness. i really don't know... it started this morning... then the recent exam added to it. plus the time i spent with my girlfriend just a few hours ago. i feel happy.
i have this sense that, i am already content with my life the way it is... i just want it to improve. i want to keep it the way it is and just make everything better. i've found decent friends in college (there are only three of them - by friends i mean real real friends who are there for me no matter what, who i am willing to shell out effort for too - but i feel they are more than enough), i was able to keep my barkada intact as much as i can (my stow-away friend is slowly making a recovery), i am happy with my current relationship. i just need to study for one of my academic subjects... overall, i am pretty satisfied with my life right now. i feel this inexplicable joy!
tedert
tedert
ngork
ngork
heh... i'm running out of words since my body is slowly taking over... aaaaahhh... just so happy! :)
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"there are only two people in the world: those who you like and those who you refuse to like"
- Location:room
- Mood: ecstatic
- Music:jesus take the wheel (by carrie underwood)
hah... the cool off week has been over for two days now... and it feels great! what more? i have something really great to share... and i am so happy about how things turned out.
i was planning the closure of the entire cool off week sunday morning. and i have engineered the eents of my life so as to make sure it will happen sunday morning. but sad to say, the person i had to confront sunday morning cancelled saturday night. hence, i had no development sunday morning. except for confronting my personal feelings while submerged in my element -- swimming is both my exercise and my therapy. i feel comfortable when i am near water.
so no luck there. boy was i devastated... boy was i sad... boy was i down... that saturday night was the worst... but i couldn't blame the guy for having to cancel. it was his high school frineds after all. just as i put a high value on my high school barkada (a filipino word for a collective group of individuals who often hang out as a group -- also considered as a tight circle of friends), i can't ask him to skip out on that.
so there i was, sunday morning (happily, thanks to a former roommate of mine, i was able to get through saturday alive), in the pool thinking. and i said to myself, with a heavy sigh, that maybe this is just what fate had in store for me. that kismet was not on my side. i said to myself that maybe this is what was supposed to happen, that the universe was telling me, that God was telling me that if i had continued with my plan, the friendship would have been severed. and i took my hands off of the steering wheel of my life and allowed God to take control of how i was going to live out these feelings i had.
sunday noon came, and i spent lunch with my former roommates. we talked, we shared stuff, and we separated just before one o'clock came. the promised time.
i was on my way to the sunken garden (a location inside the university of the philippines - diliman campus), where mu girlfriend and i became a couple. i had no coice, i had to close the door of those feelings up. i did. my girlfriend and i exchanged words, her's in the form of a 4-page letter. i was happy with her, i felt like i was complete, that she was the missing part of the puzzle. besides, i have had already decided that whatever would be the answer of the person i was going to confront, this would be what i would do. and i am happy with my decision. in fact, i feel better after the week we spent apart. i was able to realize just how deep my feelings were for my girlfriend. i needed to like someone else in order for me to realize that, but at least i did.
so there i was... happy. though we just got back together, we spent about 3 hours together before parting again. in order for us to make al that happened sink in. so i went on to spend the day with my former roommates.
and poof, one thing led to another and we ended up eating dinner together. one of us came from work, so the three of us left the dormitory. we were about an hour late in meeting our roomate who was fresh from work. oops... anyway, i'm not to blame, we were supposed to leave at 7:30 pm, and by the time i arrived in the dormitory, fully dressed and ready to go, one was still taking a bath and the other still in "for-home" clothes. so we left the dorm by 8:00, and got to arrive about an hour late of the set time (which was supposed to be... guess what? 8:00 pm... the time we left -- i am so sorry about that philip).
so the rest of the way wasn't very eventful, we looked for the restaurant we were supposed to eat at and i entered about 4 streets before finding the right one. i felt sorry for forcing the guys to take a long walk just trying to find the place we were eating at.
so we finally found it. it was a nice korean restaurant which had a nice area where you really got to sit on the floor. it also had a really korean feel, as the food was cooking before our very eyes. i forgot just what we ate. all i remember was the kimchi soup and a prok based meal with orange sauce with jji gae at the end (it had both korean and romanized spellings in the menu)... oh, and we also had soju. korean white wine. the owner was kind enough to teach us how it was supposed to be drunk with lime (to filipinos: is my translation of clamansi right?) and all. cool!
so we spent about 2 hours in the restaurant (from 10:00 pm to 12:00 mn), just trying to know how to eat the food we ordered. the most eaten side dish (whoot! they have unlimited side dishes) were the cucumber strips (sipped in a reddish spicy korean-type sauce) and the tiny potatoes that had sesame seeds and a sticky black sauce coating it.
we had to spend a few minutes just sitting and chatting because there was just too much food inside of our stomach. and when it was a few minutes past midnight, we started to go back to quezon city. (yes, the restaurant was about three cities away -- haha, it was like a roadtrip as well).
anyway... i think i'm just babbling, a lot of things also happened a long the way, but i think it's best to skip it and get to the point. we took the but back to my place, since the dorm was already closed. we stopped by a 24-hour convenience store to get ice, and a few sachet's of coffee (it was nescafe hazelnut).
so back i nmy place i had vodka, and i tried to mix up spiked coffee as a starter and, later on, as chaser. with what was left of the vodka, we played the game "i've never", and poof! everything just took on from there. those who read my previous post will understand that i cannot post whatever happened there. but let's just say, i've finaly found whatever it was that i needed to find in that game... and my monday morning (we played for four hours, from 1:00 am to 5:00 am -- the conversation lingered 'till 8:00 am which was when we each went our own ways) was, from then on, classified as one of the best days in my life... ^^,
goodness... i badly want to share it... i'm just overflowing with joy... ^^,
anyway, from here on out, i will do whatever it takes to make my life, my friendships, and my relationship work... God has done so much for me this past week, and i don't want to put any of His efforts to waste...
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"the feelings you have will burn their imprint onto your heart, though your memories may fade, you will forever feel them"
- Location:room
- Mood: ecstatic
- Music:jesus take the wheel (by carrie underwood)
requirements:
1. vodka or tequila
2. chaser
3. shot-glass
4. at least 3 (maximum of 6 for optimal efficiency)
5. a creative mind
how to play:
1. the game starts with one person giving a statement in an "i've never" format and gives the shot-glass to one of the remaining people
e.g. person A says "i've never kissed anyone besides my parents" and gives the shot-glass to person B.
2. the recipient then has two choices in answering the question. a) he can drink the shot, or b) he passes it to the next any other person, the statement provider included.
a) if you drink the shot, then it means that you have violated the "i've never" statement. meaning you have done it. after drinking the shot, you are required to expound.
b) if you choose to pass, then it means that you you've upheld the "i've never" statement. after passing it on, the recipient of the shot-glass is the new person in question still under the scrutiny of the current "i've never" statement.
note: follow-up questions are allowed, but the person in the hot seat isn't required to answer these follow up questions anymore
e.g. person B passes the shot-glass back to person A. person A drinks the liquor and expounds by saying he had a girlfriend back in the day. (yes, the person who gave the statement may have violated his statement)
3. the person who gains control of the "i've never" sentences is the one who took the last shot.
e.g. since person A to the latest shot, he gives an "i've never" statement again. this time it's "i've never lied about my job"
4. there is a maximum of <# of players - 1> passes allowed for 3-4 players and <# of players - 2> for 5-6 players (this is in view that at least one person in the group gets the chance to avoid the question), this includes the first hand-off of the shot-glass from the statement-giver to the first recipient. in the event that the maximum number of passes have been reached, the question can no longer be repeated (a question may be repeated as long as the maximum number of passes have not been reached). now, once the last pass has been made, two things occur.
a) the person who receives the shot-glass has not violated the statement. hence he does not drink, and the one who gains control of the "i've never" statements is the one who gave the statement since he took the last shot.
b) the person who receives the shot-glass has violated the statement. hence he drinks, and the game proceeds as it was. however, keep in mind that the statement addressed is already branded taboo and can no longer be asked for the duration of the game.
e.g. person B receives the shot-glass again and passes it to person C, the maximum number of passes have already been reached, therefore the statement "i've never lied about my job" is now branded taboo regardless of what person C says. person C passes, and the shot-glass is returned to person A.
5. the game's statements can range from something as simple as "i've never skipped a meal", to "i've never had sex". of course, this varies depending on how comfortable you are of the group you are with. always keep in mind that your statement can be addressed back to you, hence control of the statements have a personal mitigation value.
note: statement's are not limited to these, as you can suggest very personal statements; vague words such as cheat, pressure, love, admiration, crush, and the like are very suggestive, hence boundaries can be set depending on the group playing. we prefer to leave it at the level of how the recipient qualifies any of these in answering the question. hence the definition of any vague word may be defined by the one who took the shot-glass. in the event that the person drank, he is also required to expound on how he defines the vague word in question.
e.g. person A says "i've never cheated on any of my girlfriends". person A gives the shot-glass to person B, person B drinks and he defines his cheating as "any act including, but not restricted to intimacy towards any other female he is attracted to", then he expounds on how it happened and so on.
6. the most important rule: what is said in the game is kept within the group only, nothing is allowed to go out of the group regardless of circumstances.
-no example needed
7. any uncovered truths must not be held against the person who revealed them. "friendship over" and "friendship awkward" statuses are prohibited.
e.g. revelations of first impressions, reservations, anger, suppressed disappointment, and anything of the like must not be held against the person on the hot seat.
8. the game is designed to form a deeper bonding between everyone in the group. thus, it is of utmost importance that the people not lie. passing on the shot glass means that you really have never done whatever it was that was said in the statement and is regarded as an answer of "i really haven't".
-no example needed
that's just about all there is to the game. i have formed deeper friendships thanks to this game... it is also a nice avenue to let our a few of your resentments towards people without the fear of being ridiculed or of the person getting angry. i like it in the sense that you get to know people better as they also get to know you better in an imposed environment.
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"never take life too seriously, it is just a game, and in the end, nobody ever get's to finish it alive."
- Location:room
- Mood: calm
- Music:smell the color nine (by chris rice)
as to the first issue, i no longer have any need of the fear of being unable to control whatever danger lurks behind this facade i have build around me. i've dealt with the monster i once was for the longest time in my life. often time alone. if ever time comes for this monster to come forcing itself out of my shell, then all i can do is deal with it then. it is useless to live fearing what can happen if i let my guard down. in fact... i don't think i have. and i don't think i ever will. that defense mechanism has already evolved as a part of me. that wall i have around myself will never fade. all i can do now is deal with it, and live a decent life. everyone has a demon they have to deal with. it just so happens that mine can cause heavy physical damage be it let go... i have made a choice. a choice which may prevent me from fully realizing joy, but at least it is a choice that will also prevent me from harming anyone around me.
second? hah... that person who stopped going to class because of me has now come back to life! yeah! and we've talked about the feelings that the person harbors for me. we're friends, and that's about as far as it can go... and i am happy that there was a nice closure to that... i'm sorry for any lost hopes and such. but that's just it...
okay, two down. two to go... crap. sunday never came around this fast before. right now, i feel as though there was only a day and a half between saturday last week (18 july 2009) and sunday this coming week (26 july 2009). damn this time traveling skill people have acquired about skipping a few days in your memory when stressed... hah. too bad we cannot jump back... X_x
now why is it that the other two problems are quite difficult to handle... argh... okay. feelings towards a different person who i could probably never confess to. i admit that's hard. but before i fully close the doors of my heart to this forbidden feeling i harbor inside of my soul, i wish to at least realize whether or not, even if just once before, this person actually held feelings for me. that i may at least close the doors to my soul, happy in the thought of having had tried and having had known.
i've been living in the shadows far too long. hiding everything i thought could bring out all the evils i boxed up inside me. but this time, i will learn to risk where risks are great, for in great risks come great rewards. i have not forgotten of the fact that great risks also come with great losses. but i have come to the conclusion that it is a risk worth taking.
oh, and why does reconciliation with a wayward friend seem so hard to do? damn him!!! wtf was wrong with him?! i mean (okay, this is the first time i actually posted about this problem i have with a friend of mine, but allow me to expound as if i already have) why in the world would he prioritize friends who are with him only because of dota over those who at least had the decency to remember his birthday and shell out effort, time, energy, and love in order to buy him a cake, a gift, and stay up 'till midnight inside the campus just to greet him happy birthday?! i mean... we spent a hell of a lot of effort for that... and what do we get?! a simple "oh... i thought you already forgot about me... so you still thought i was alive?" (translated of course)... O_O
i mean... aren't the gifts and the cake enough to answer that... and by all means... P****G I**!!! (it's filipino... so i won't blame you if you won't be able to fill in the asterisks of the cuss). that's all you have to say to us? not even a sincere "thank you" from your mouth?! what in the world is wrong with you?!
and up until now... i don't think he actually realizes the bad thing he did. which totally pisses me off. argh! and he also had the guts to get mad at me a few hours before we went up to the computer shop to sing him his birthday song and give him his gifts just because i tapped him at the back (okay, so i have been told it wasn't much of a tap as it often hurt... how was i supposed to know... nobody told me, and i've been saying hi to all my friends that way for what? 8 years now? sorry...), and told him why he was in the restaurant i was eating dinner at because he told me he was just going to be at the dorm... he told me: "what do you care if i changed my plans... it would be best that you return to your table. you just ruined my night. why do you even care?" O_O
of the fucking course i was shocked to see him there. and of the fucking course i was going to ask... our plans were based on the premise that he was going to stay at the dorm. i mean we were lucky i found him before our plans went to the garbage can had we shown up at the dorm without him there! argh!!! i mean... he didn't even remember the tradition?! the tradition our 7 year barkada (barkada is a filipino term for a tightly knit group of friends) has been practicing for, i don't know... 5 or 6 years now?
it's the tradition that we take an effort to greet the person celebrating his birthday on the midnight of his birthday. we show up and sing a birthday song with gifts and all the closest we can get to 00:00 of the day of their birth... i know it is no longer a surprise... but it's like seeing a dog stand on it's hind legs... you're not surprised seeing it done well, you are surprised it is even done at all. that's what it is about... and we do it regardless of whether it was a weeknight or not... and to be fair... it was a fucking thursday and i had classes the next day! argh!
couldn't he at least have said a simple thank you for remembering instead of insulting us with that lame statement he said?! that enough would have at least lightened the grudge i have against him... argh!!!
bah... i hate this... i'm halfway there. but i just can't seem to move forward anymore. *sigh*
either way... i'll have to deal with these thoughts later... i have a problem set to pass and a night to plan. :p
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"never forget to live in the moment, because it will be over all too soon"
- Location:electrical and electronics engineering institute quiet zone
- Mood: weird
- Music:silence
just as many feelings often start off where i come from, it started with simple teasing. one that both of us often just laughed off. at times even with a heartfelt smile on both our faces. this was what i suddenly remembered yesterday. every time we were teased, there would just be a tongue out my lips ("bleh!" -- or "pbbt" in common place english) with a hint of a smile and a either a punning smile or a cheeky one on his (or was it the other way around... i'm confused). either way, why did i only remember these things now... why not earlier? or why not later? the lingering thought of "what if" is painful...
at least, the sources of confusion and heaviness have slowly made themselves clear. now i have identified 4 things that are contributing to my stressful feeling of uncertainty and rashness. why did they have to start teasing? and why did they have to tease me with one of my closest friends. had they not... i wouldn't have had to entertain the thought of what if we were sending out messages that we actually had a thing for each other that both of us didn't notice along the way of our friendship... and why the fuck during the time where i was in a relationship?!
what hurts me most isn't the fact that i harbor these feelings for a friend of mine that actually requires a lot of risks just to find out whether it's true or not... but the main burden lies in the fact that it is happening while i am still in a relationship... a relationship i am actually happy being in... is it really human nature to want somehting that is more of a challenge to have?
hurting someone is the last thing on my mind... and whatever the outcome of this thing... i still want to know... i want to know... yet i do not want to risk the friendship i had involuntarily formed with this person... and i also don't want to hurt the feelings of the one i knowingly love... is this what being an adult is about? having to make tough decisions... there is this lingering thought of "where will i be happy?" but either way, nothing good will come out of this...
from the looks of it. i have two choices in taking my first step:
1. know how we both feel about each other and risk the difficulty of having to choose if the answer will be positive.
2. leave it be, and not allow anybody to be tormented but me.
i believe it is best to choose the second. but then again it is still too early. i have today until saturday to fix these thoughts myself and constructing a map depending on what will happen sunday morning before i make a decision come 1:00 pm sunday afternoon. it fucks things up a hell of a lot!!! grr... this really sucks like hell. if i opt for the first choice and i found out that the feelings were mutual... wtf am i supposed to do?!?!?!
argh! just thinking about it already has me thinking of tens of different outcomes for this entire undertaking... damn! i have to have me a little less imagination! T_T
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"this life is yours. some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself"
- Location:electrical and electronics engineering institute quiet zone
- Mood: uncomfortable
- Music:split screen sadness (by john mayer)
my arm hurts from the game of dota i just played a few moments ago... i lost all three games. but to me it's as if i have already been treated to a great day... i missed having to have this feeling of a fun bonding with a guy friend of mine... and it was pretty much fun. (but that doesn't mean i'll take this defeat lying down... i'll defeat him the next time we play! that i promise! bwahahahaha!)
we also ate lunch and diner together, and did a little rule breaking as he let me in the dormitory when i am actually not supposed to be able to get in. but guys have their ways... haha. boo to the guards.
i feel a wee bit more relieved. i missed spending time with my friends... and i don't know why. but he has been quite hospitable towards me for the duration of the day we spent together... i guess it's what distance makes you realize... camaraderie does have it's advantages, and a little time off too.
i guess that's what my girlfriend an i needed. thanks to my friend, i came to realize that. i mean... lunch and dinner together every single day... no wonder i felt a little cooped up and a little uneasy.
but it makes me wonder. am i really born to be a free soul or something? but i always feel the need to belong... haha. just another one of the thoughts i have to ponder on before i go to sleep tonight...
at the very least, i have made a little progress...
*sigh* time to rest... i need it for another week of stress and realizations... hehe.
wish me luck world!!! that's just about it... goodnight! ^^,
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"it is in seeing that people begin to believe -- but it is in believing that people begin to be understand"
- Location:internet cafe
- Mood: happy
- Music:jai ho (by the pussy cat dolls)
have i lost all recognition of myself these past few years? have i been too caught up in my charade that not even i can tell the difference between the real and masked me anymore? how long have i been hiding inside this shell i've created for myself? this is what i really feared. the long unsaid confrontation between me and my true self. perhaps it all counts back to certain events in my childhood where pretense was needed to survive. or perhaps it dates back to the times when i did not know of controlling myself yet.
it is perhaps two entirely different things, but i have to confront both none the less.
self restrain. this is what i had needed to learn. and perhaps something i've learned all too well. i feared that what happened back when i was in pre-school and 2nd grade would happen again. but perhaps this self restrain is what keeps me at the verge of boiling point. that sometimes i think i'm a pressure cooker waiting to go kablam. i hate to lose self restrain. i've hurt too many people physically and emotionally back in the day. and fearing that one day, that may very well come out, i'd hate to let down my guard. i pity the wall that does receive my anger. i pity my right knuckle that keeps on feeling the pain. but i have to hold it in... constant walk-outs during fights, crossed arms when a little pissed, closed eyes when a wee bit en-flamed.
hah... back in preschool i rendered an entire classroom unusable for two entire quarters due to 10 smashed arm chars and a shattered black board. in second grade i made a classmate's head bleed with a harmonica. i broke a classmate's leg just because i felt like it during third grade. and a few others i can no longer remember. it's quite a wonder i got to graduate from that school with a clean record... haha.
in high-school i've learned why i truly love the water. it keeps me at peace. that's when i discovered that fully submerging my head in water and exhaling all the air i have in my lungs was a way for me to relax. so that's why i loved to swim since i was a child. so that's why i love the water. so that's why i like the feeling of the rain on my cheeks. so that's why i can't help but want to float in endless serenity during certain moments in my life... but even that peace was not enough.
self control. perhaps one of the few reasons why i am so uptight. perhaps one of the few reasons why i rarely open up. perhaps one of the few reasons why most of my friends became such only because they talked to me first. do i really come off as someone who tries so hard to look unapproachable?
it was all my doing. why i feel so locked up inside myself. i had to keep an image so that i wouldn't look weak. so i wouldn't look like someone who'd be easy to pick on. because i fear that if i get mad... that if i'd lose myself... i'd end up hurting those i care for again. and i don't want that to happen ever again.
12:18 19 july 2009, i've just finished writing the first of the two things that have been bothering me for the longest time. i got up just a while ago to get some water, wash my face. i need to sleep. i have to sleep. the training's at 8 am tomorrow. but perhaps i can be late for an hour. i think i've earned that privilege...
i've been canning up all the feelings i've had these past few years. i really don't remember when i realized it. but i'm guessing it was early somewhere between mid second year to early third year. that i do harbor feelings for anyone, regardless of gender. the same goes for my libido too (i believe that was too much info... but oh well). however, recently, i've been having this feeling of being unable to explore the full side of the circle. and i believe it's taking it's toll on me and my girlfriend.
i've never really courted a guy before. probably because i'm still in the closet. and i don't wanna go all out. but the closest people i know know about this already. yes they accept me, i've been lead to beleve that my girlfriend does too. but i'm afraid of what the rest of the world will do. not that i care about what they think, but i do care about what they do. and how it will affect the people i care for. especially the one i love the most right now. i'd hate to see her get hurt. and i've given my loyalty to her. but just recently, like a big lump of rock that fell from the sky, reality hit me.
i've never really had a boyfriend, and i guess there's a part of me that wants to know how it feels like to be on the other side of the spectrum when it comes to a relationship. it is hard trying to maintain a relationship. specially since you're the guy; it becomes even more difficult since the one i am in a relationship with right now hasn't had a long lasting relationship ever. hence, fights are more commonplace, misunderstandings too. the concepts of what and what not to share aren't that clear yet.
you know the feeling of having yourself at wits end but still having to stay strong for everything to work out? that's what i hate about being a guy... that was probably why i wanted to enter a relationship where both parties were guys... there is this freedom to be weak every once in a while and stay weak for a period of time, allowing the other to take the lead in a relationship. and then the switching of tasks. it is kind of different being able to choose when and when not to take the lead.
so why do i stay? because it is also different having a woman around. when you want to be weak, though allowed only for a short time, a woman's touch is enough to make you feel as though you were a dog being pat on the head. and my heart pounds rythmically as if i were wagging my tail. it's when she's around that i feel at ease. it is as though the rest of the world doesn't matter anymore. it's where i feel like i can be myself, and not worry about what may or may not happen. it's when i get a whiff of her scent that i feel as though i've found my home in this urban war zone. the gentle feel of a woman is different.
both sides have it's pro's and con's. but i feel as though i have yet to fully explore both sides.
12:40 19 july 2009, my stupid laptop's battery is already so old that i have to charge it already... *fixing adaptor and all those other stuff* there all done!
i don't really mind where i am right now. i guess this week off wasn't such a bad idea after all. i'll have to provide closure to all my wayward feelings, and those of others too. i really want this relationship to work out. i'm happy here. that's why i chose to risk it.
12:44 19 july 2009, damn... i plugged it in for what? 4 minutes worth of usage? this sucks, i feel so stupid... oh well... need to sleep already. have training in about 7+ hours. *yawn*
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"all mistakes are done with the sincerest motive that it was the right thing to do"
- Location:bedroom
- Mood: sleepy
- Music:the breeze and the falling rain
but then again... i can't say everything i need to say to my friends. and here, i get to say everything without having to worry about what other people say or think until i meet them the next day, or the week after, or... you get the basic idea...
just this day. i had a big conversation with my girlfriend about what i posted here on the 16th -- both of them. and i believe, it's the fact that i feel a little bit confuse about all the relationships i have right now... (my friends, my exes, my acquaintances, the people i've turned down, practically everyone in my real life friend's list)
why do i still feel uneasy? why do i still feel that there is a part of me that needs to go somewhere really far away... i want to punch a wall (not that i still haven't), i want to ride a bike from one end of the country to the other, i want to spar with someone i know, i want to just vent out all this accumulated stress i have... and swimming practice tomorrow totally won't help! it will only add up to the stress i feel. i want to strangle someone... i want to... i want to... i just want to understand myself... i want to know why i feel this uneasiness. i want to know why i... why i... just basically why i feel the way that i do.
this is so really fucked up... i wish that i could just understand everything. i can barely catch any of the thought flying around my head. i feel like there's a huge swirling vortex of words with me in the middle. and i can't grab a single thought out of it to actually make sense of how i truly feel.
to think that i would feel more laxed if i opened up to my closest friends about how i prefer to live my life... but it hasn't helped my much... it did open up my mind somehow... but i want to feel better.
i want to feel true joy beyond the company of my girlfriend. i feel happy when i'm with her, i feel relaxed, i feel more at ease... but that is only during the time i'm with her... and now... since she's read my post, she wants a week off of seeing each other so i can evaluate how i really feel... without her around... the feelings of uneasiness are slowly eating through my skin... and it hurts... in hurts more than hell.
i can't explain it more thoroughly... aw crap... the words ar swirling again. and i'm losing focus.
it took me nearly two hours and a half to finish this (if it is even finished). crap my mind's becoming a total blank... argh! i hate this!
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"love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. love is a battle, love is a war; love is growing up."
- james baldwin
- Location:an internet cafe just around my place
- Mood: listless
- Music:how to save a life (piano only)
it's only been an hour after i woke up (and yeah... i know this is awkward but yes i am still naked while typing). i just read this blog of a friend of mine in friendster... it was really poorly updated as the last entry was of december 2008. but it had this entry:
I choose to love you in silence
for in silence I receive no rejection.
Nor should i bother of what it is
that prevents us from being together.
It’s just that we can never be together.
I choose to love you in loneliness,
for in loneliness no one owns you but I.
I choose to adore you from a distance,
for distance will shield us from pain.
I choose to kiss you in the wind,
for the wind is gentler than my lips.
I choose to hold you in my dreams,
for in my dreams you have no end.
In all honesty I find it hard to believe
that I will ever love somebody
the way I loved you.
Thank you for the experience.
I loved it while it lasted.
I can’t help but smile during those times
that you threw me out of focus -
those times you made me panic
as to what i could do to appease your tumultuous heart.
Thank you for all those times
that you almost destroyed my sanity.
I always knew it was done for anyway…
it's kind of a side i never really realized he had... and that's being so damn emo... haha. anyway, i also read a different entry that i believe i have no freedom to post here so i'm just gonna rant about how i felt after reading the next entry... it made me see through the difficulties of my life too... and damn him for using one of the text messages i sent him on someone else! haha. anyway, i'll share the sms he used in his post with you guys since it came from me anyway. (i used it as my footer for this journal)
anyway, i sent that to him the day we started to stop seeing each other... haha. and that did not receive any response at all... argh! haha. but moving on... that's not the point of this whole journal, the thing is that i suddenly realized just how new i am to this bisexual thing... don't take me wrong... i am totally happy and at peace with my current relationship... thankfully she accepts me for who i am, and yes, i do love her. an i am comfortable with the fact that i have my own definition of being bisexual and all, just that it has only been my second time courting a girl and i was courted by a guy in the middle of both... and i actually fell in love with the guy...
in totality, i have the fear of actually engaging in sexual activities right now, with just about practically anyone... and i do not actually know why. i have a feeling that once io engage in any activity, it would mean that i would have sealed myself to the person or the type of lifestyle i am already in. and that is what i am afraid of. i cannot really fully explain it, but somehow i feel that way.
argh... i think i'm saying all the wrong things right now. haha. pardon me for the aggravated state i am somehow in, but i really cannot explain just how i am. it's just that perhaps it is my lifestyle that is causing all this heavy feeling i have... i am still confused as to how i truly feel towards people of different genders, but then again, i have this feeling of why should i? i am in a relationship. a relationship i actually really value and care for. right?
it's just that deep inside i can't make my feelings blend well. the confusion and the certainty are both having a bloody brawl deep inside my head... i've never had a boyfriend really... i can never consider such a short lived togetherness a real relationship at all. but i guess it was because i was somehow afraid to go all the way with a guy. and maybe that's what's tickling my senses right now... haha. i feel like suck a bad guy... thinking about some of these stuff while being in a relationship...
but i guess i just can't help it... the feeling is there, and i need to address it somehow. i don't want to end this relationship because i truly value it... and i don't want to risk hurting the person i love. because i do love her... i truly do. it's just that some of the thoughts i have make me feel as though i want to discover something i've just recently truly felt.
haha... anyway... that's just about all the sense i can make of the situation. forgive the musings of a first time bisexual... X_x
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“leave someone, you have that right. but the least you can do is tell them why. because what’s even worse, what’s even more painful than being abandoned, is knowing that you’re not even worth an explanation.”
- Location:bedroom
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:stray (by steve conte -- wolf's rain opening song)
so here i am... not knowing why i feel uneasy, jumpy, and confused. i guess my feelings are just a bit mixed up after i read a really nice comic book i really can't discuss right now... but i have the feeling of being both in love and guilty at the same time. not only to the one i have given my loyalty to, but to myself as well...
i have this feeling that everything i'm doing is just a facade to show the people what they believe is a normal person... i rather feel incomplete deep inside. i feel as though there's a part of me that doesn't know where i should be right now... i know i'm not making much sense... but i am trying to be a little vague here, so i'm sorry if only i can understand this public journal... i wish i had practiced drawing more intently so i could vent out my uneasiness more outright... my only avenue for venting my excess energy right now is this journal and swimming. i highly doubt i can find an open olympic-sized pool this time of night to do my laps just so i can feel more relaxed -- and tired, so i can finally go to sleep.
argh! just listen to me rant... haha. nobody would really want to read this, now would they... it's just some lengthy, wordy, and boring little blog that some bloke just wanted to write off of his mind...
anyway... i don't really have anything much to say... i just hope that technology allows me to go on ranting whenever i have the urge to... i feel a little better now... thanks for listening my nonexistent online friend. (i don't really have an online friend at live journal right now... haha. what a loser bloke huh?)
i guess that's about it... ja ne! (if the spelling is right, that's supposed to be goodbye in japanese)
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"i will love who i choose to love -- and nobody can tell me otherwise"
- Location:bedroom
- Mood: confused
- Music:nothing (i just got up... duh...)
anyway... just dropping by to say something and to relax my mind and muscles before the examination actually starts... wish me luck... ^^,
hopefully everything will turn out okay from now on... crap... i'm almost out of money... that's all. ^^,
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"with knowledge comes the responsibility of using it right"
- Location:college of engineering quiet zone (4th floor)
- Mood: blah
- Music:silence
a really nice picture i came across the internet while browsing through artworks of some people... it brings about a simple joy i can barely even express... i am either in love or just touched by the intimacy this picture shows...
i mean... look at it... it's a junkyard in the middle of the night. no lights, no celebrations, no people. just two cats, side-by-side looking intently at the beauty of the full moon. it just goes to show that amidst all the hardships, trash, shit, and crap we get from life, we are able to see the beauty of even the simplest things... like sitting beside the one we truly cherish and care for -- the one we love.
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"ferris wheels are for slowly cutting across the sky with the one you love"
- Location:college of engineering library ii
- Mood: touched
- Music:kismet (by silent sanctuary)
Frozen Fire
take my hand -- feel it's cold
my cheer slowly fading
my warmth calmly freezing
i am a flame, trapped in ever-ice
creeping earnestly into my veins
the knowledge of the presence
of the void you've left as a gift
on this day which once was special
i am a flame, trapped in ever-ice
in futile attempts to break free
my heart's blazing desperation
has nearly exhausted all possibilities
take my hand -- my heart and my soul
cradle them lovingly in your arms
that at least before this kindling fades
it'd have at least felt what true warmth is
i am trapped in ever-ice
a desperate flame, turned kindling
i am trapped in ever ice
a flame ignorant of warmth's embrace
-crimSon
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"love is what prevents us from realizing love is too much of a burden"
- Location:college of engineering library ii
- Mood:
aggravated - Music:silence
